Must See Hybrid Social Events of the Future

So, there you are at your front door. You have been vaccinated, your family has been vaccinated, your community has been vaccinated – In fact, much of your planet has been vaccinated. No, we still don’t have flying cars, just give up on the flying cars already. Those who have not been vaccinated have decided to join the pilgrimage to the edge of the Earth to see where the big light switch is and because they heard they were giving away free MAGA caps ( or at least that’s where they were said to have been left). So, with this special immunisation passport and your observance of requisite time at home you have been given leave – to socialize!

What is it that you will do when this time comes? What did you do before all this happened? There were those who frequented cinemas, bowling alleys, concert halls and gentlemen’s clubs. It may be that in this not too distant future some of these activities return with an eye toward sustainability and diversity too (we clearly need more ladies’ clubs). Yes, the restaurants will reopen that much is guaranteed although the takeaway industry has clearly experienced a seismic shift and changed the future of dining. The cafes too will open their doors so that those who need a healthy dose of people watching and eggs benedict or smashed avocado will be sated.

But what about the big events? The crowd pullers, the congregations of hundreds and thousands of revellers can these be returned and brought to their heyday. The answer simply is yes. In the words of the famous Vulcan(I’m almost positive he wasn’t human)  – Leonard Nimoy – “Its life Jim but not as we know it”. These events will return but not as we remembered them. Whether it is due to the closure of multiple venues due to lack of use or merely because we see the need to congest the social calendar in hypothetical preparation for the next deadly virus – these events will become merged. Let me tell you about them:

Isle of Spite – We know how unsanitary the Hippie festivals of the late sixties and early seventies were so the chances of replicating the Isle of Wight into the future is a bit of a no-no, as is digging up Hendrix or Jim Morrison for that matter. However, there are still plenty of hippies and there are still plenty of rock bands. The good people of the Isle of Man have come up with a solution. Every year when the Isle of Man TT racing series is run, a simultaneous hippy rock festival can be run. Many bands will play across the 38-mile course and access to each music venue just a small matter of crossing the track into one of the many adjacent fields. This event will simultaneously meet the needs of the motor racing community while keeping the hippy population under control. All hippies will be numbered and the faster they are the more points they will be worth.

Glastonbury Festival (of Tractors) – This will be a huge deceit. In essence the same amount of tickets will be sold as for every previous Glastonbury festival. The music loving punters will turn up, pitch their tents, put on their wellies, get wasted and then it will rain. Meanwhile the solitary artist who was hired to entertain, plays songs now and then while replaced for intervals by mannequins from the high street. As the levels of intoxication rise and the brown acid takes effect, the punters will pay little heed to the dummies on stage and instead participate in a field trampling ritual some would call dancing. On the Saturday morning the ticket holders, believing it is Monday, burn their tents, bury their wellies and leave. Then in roll the locals for the greatest spectacle of ploughing in the six continents.

Stonehenge (Monsters of Stoner Rock) – Britain has some lovely history and some lovely historical monuments but since the folks at Donnington Castle had repurposed the venue from the heavy metal festival it was to host the great medieval bake-off/royal variety performance ( mostly its just jousting with baguettes ), a new venue was devised for the bands at historic Stonehenge. Every summer solstice swathes of stoners will turn up with their product of choice whether purple lemon haze or pineapple express and cover the nearby stones and hills with a haze and mist not seen since Arthurian times. The druids and wizards can also hold their annual general election simultaneously and if there is too much indecision, they can use the sorting hat.

Live 25 – Live 25 will be the twentieth anniversary of Live 8 which was the twentieth anniversary of Live Aid. Basically, it will be 25 simultaneous concerts held in the middle of 25 war torn regions of the world for 25 hours. The idea being that if the concerts are playing in these regions they may or may not be distracting enough to stop the conflict even if just for 25 minutes. It was hoped that Phil Collins could open each of the shows but they don’t make the concord anymore and he would need a vehicle more sophisticated – Elon musk is thinking about it. The good news is that Bob Geldof is hosting each of the shows. You see in 1985 after the success of Live Aid, Bob Geldof was cloned 25 times as it happens and once the clones reached maturity they were frozen in carbonite much like Han Solo in the Empire Strikes Back. They will be wheeling out the Bob Geldof’s at future events.

Wiggles Live at Wembley – This is the one you’ve been waiting for, the one you thought was not possible but after serious consideration the UK government has deemed this a necessary action. A series of shows will be held at Wembley stadium for any children who have endured the hardship of lockdown. The capacity will of course be doubled to 180000 per show because, well, children are small. And where will the parents be while these shows are staged. Well at home with the footy on and the doors locked of course.